Commitmentphobia And a Following Rant

Commitmentphobia. I’ve been stricken with it.
Finally. Only after spending a huge amount of time and money on my degree, adopting a dog, getting engaged then married, and buying a house. A year or less after each of those events occurred, I found myself thinking “What have I done?” I had the opposite problem of the commitmentphobes.
I wasn’t afraid enough.

People always talk about fear of commitment as if it’s a bad thing. Now I’m starting to think it’s a very good and healthy thing. Commitment should be feared and respected. Up until this point in my life, I’ve been dead set on any idea that popped into my head. Yes, I definitely want to be a medical professional. Yes, I definitely want to adopt a dog. Yes, I definitely want to get married. Yes, I definitely want to own a house. Now that I’ve done all those things, I don’t know what I would’ve done them all over again if given the chance. (Ask me how I feel about marriage after I get my tax refund. It might be worth it after all. 🙂

All of this is making me very, VERY afraid to ever have children, even if I think it’s what I want. I can change my career. I will out-live my dog (hopefully). My marriage and my home are by no means things that I’m trapped in. But children? They are forever. I don’t think I should be making a commitment like that.

Am I just having a case of “hindsight is 20/20” here? Is this how adults learn, by making “mistakes”? Am I freaking out about nothing? Worse than freaking out about nothing, am I complaining about my privilege? I have a career that pays very well. My dog has behavioral issues, but I love her very much. I own a beautiful home. I have an amazing husband.

It’s moments like this that make me think – Is it not what your life has that is making you unhappy, but rather what it’s missing? I don’t have an answer as to what is missing yet, but at least that seed of thought has been planted.

-Meredith Lee, Contributing Writer

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