I have been reading several posts on this site over the past months and can relate to several as I have been through similar situations and feel for all of you. I know that I struggled for years to find the right place for myself and how to be happy in a relationship. Now that I have found that in my life I thought I would share my story in hopes that it helps someone out there that is currently struggling and relates to this view point on bisexuality as I know my life is not for all people.
I am turning 45 this year and loving my life now but was not always this happy. I started to notice my feelings towards woman in late middle school or early high school (it was a long time ago and I cannot remember the exact start date). I did not really understand the feelings that I had for women when I was younger especially since I had the same feelings towards men. Due to how I was raised I suppressed a lot of these feelings which is probably why I did not experiment with women until college. Prior to having sex with a woman I talked with female roommates and friends at college in general about women. Why is it that straight women just further confuse bisexuals when we are trying to find our identity? I laugh because a few close friends that are women would say “I love boobs too! But it doesn’t mean that you like women” or how they watch the woman in a porno but that doesn’t mean anything either or various other claims. Maybe for my straight heterosexual friends it does not mean anything but please do not further confuse those of us that are rarely understood entirely by society 🙂
Those of us that are bisexuals know deep down there is a difference between finding something attractive/sexy vs being erotically turned on by this and wanting more. I find several people attractive or sexy; it does not mean I want to have sex with them. Other favorite statements of my friends that are heterosexual women are:
1. If it came up that I had been with women they would say that they have too. However, when it came down to it 90% of the time they had only made out with a female and it was a friend. If they actually had sex with a woman they could claim they were drunk, something they had to try, a phase, or in the end they just didn’t like it. Let me tell you, being bisexual is not the same. Trying something new or kissing a friend for fun vs passionately being turned on by another woman is completely different. I can try S&M but I know I do not like it and trying it over and over again will not change my opinion. Nor is this a phase we go through. As a bisexual, if I find myself attracted to someone it does not matter if it is a male or female.
2. The innocent statement from a woman that says, “My girlfriend this or that” and you instantly think oh maybe she can relate. Nope, she is referring to her friend that is a woman.
However, when you are figuring all of this out it is quite humorous to look back on as heterosexual women really do confuse bisexual women that are trying to come out. I digress. In the end after being with a woman I found out that I thoroughly enjoyed being with both sexes but I think those of us that are bisexual always knew deep down that we would love the experience with a woman. I have loved both men and women, enjoying both equally.
Shortly after college I started my career and found my husband. I thought I could not live without him and never felt that I was “settling” as I truly believed he was “the one”. I fell deeply in love with him and didn’t think I would have any issues with my feelings towards women while being married. How naive I was… For the first several years of marriage I did not even think about another woman. Around 5 years the thoughts began creeping in and soon I began longing for women.
Also around this time I had developed a new relationship with a woman that was also married and bisexual. We hit if off instantly and it seemed like we had been friends for years. As our relationship grew closer I knew I was missing something that I needed in my life. There were times when we felt bad for sharing as much as we did and being as close as we were while being married but there was a significant part of both of us that was missing from our current lives with our husbands and that we felt was being denied. We found that we needed one another as an outlet if only to discuss this part of our lives and yes sometimes we were probably too close to be considered just friends. However, I want to be clear that I never had sex with this woman while with my husband even though both of us wanted to and it almost killed us not to at times.
My husband knew that I was a bisexual and I talked in detail with him about being with a woman and he felt it was cheating. My close friend was in a similar situation in that her husband did not want her to have sex with a woman unless he was allowed to have sex with random woman as well (to clarify he did not mean the same woman as her). Now, I know we have all heard both of these arguments from a husband (along with others) and that as bisexuals we do not believe it is fair but this is who we choose to marry and we respected their feelings. Also for myself, I understood where my husband was coming from. You have to remember that when I married him I had no intention of ever being with anyone else and the thought of him being with someone else while I was with him was enough for me to understand the pain I would cause him. This pain was a large deterrent for me.
Over the next couple of years I reassessed my marriage and what I really wanted in life.
In the end after 7 years I decided to divorce my husband and it was the most difficult decision I ever made in my life.
For me, being unhappy was the key to why I went through with the divorce. I could not live as only half of myself. This was a decision I made on my own and was not associated to my feelings for my close friend. Also, my close friend remained with her husband.
Of course, I wished that she was single as well but divorce for myself was a decision I had to make on my own and not for someone else or due to someone else.
At first, I will not lie, it was tough at times. I missed my husband but I think I missed just having someone there for you constantly as we had been together for such a long time you get use to that. Slowly I started to live the life I loved and probably went a little too wild at times due to all of that lost time. Also, I attribute it to my age as I was only 32 at the time which is in my opinion still in the prime of my life not to mention the best shape of my life as well. I lived an unattached/wild life for over a year and then fell into the relationship routine. I would have a relationship for a few years and it eventually end due to my desires as a bisexual.
During this entire time, I kept in touch with the close bisexual friend I met during my married life. It was after I had been single for 3 years that she divorced her husband. I was currently in a relationship so nothing could happen between us and we remained friends. I was there to help support her through the difficult times of the divorce but nothing more. She was hurt while I was in the relationship as I could see it in her eyes that she wished it was her. She did start dating after several months and our relationships with others continued to overlap without a period when both of us were single.
Another 3 years went by before our lives aligned to where both of us were single. By this time we were worried to even be together at first as we had became such great friends we didn’t want to ruin that aspect of our life if we couldn’t make the relationship work. So we ended up talking about why our previous relationships ended in order to avoid those pitfalls with our relationship… for both of us it always seemed to be due to our bisexuality.
The significant others in our relationships would struggle with our desires, even if they approved the sexual acts the jealousy and pain caused to the other person could not be fixed in our relationships. We laid our feelings out on the table. Both of us felt that if we were in a relationship with a man that cheating consisted of being with another man or the same could be said if we were in a relationship with a woman that being with another woman would be considered cheating.
Now that we were headed down the path as a relationship with two women both of whom were bisexuals we decided that if one of us had sex with a man that would potentially be painful for the other and decided that we would enter into this via threesomes. For us, it worked and still works to this day. However, we rarely have threesomes now as we are very happy with our relationship and where everything stands but when the need arises we enjoy that aspect together which for us makes us closer.
My partner and I are now going strong on 7 years and both of us could not be happier. The reason I wanted to share my story is that I see all of the pain you are in and didn’t know if any of you ever considered being in a relationship with another woman that is bisexual and seeking out men in the form of a threesome.
For us, this just felt right and never felt like either of us were cheating or leaving the other one out. I am sure this will not work for all and that I am making this seem much easier than it was but this developed over many years for the two of us. This was not easy for my partner and I to make it as a relationship but what relationship is easy?
Some items that were left out from above were the kids. I never had any children as there was a medical condition that I became aware of while with my husband that eliminated that as an option from my life.
My partner had 3 children prior to divorcing her husband. We had to work with her husband on sharing the responsibilities of parenting. At first, her husband was not accepting of us for obvious reasons and because he knew we were friends prior the divorce that definitely did not help. We had to work through those issues and we are now very close with him. We had to slowly introduce the kids to our relationship and that we are bisexuals.
At one time while we were in the early stages of our relationship we lived in separate states due to job transfers. My family struggles with accepting of my life and is difficult for us with the kids. Our lives were chalked full of challenges and we overcame all of them to be together. In the end, nothing is easy that is worth obtaining and the harder it is to obtain the more happiness it typically causes you.
I want to be clear that I am by no means encouraging divorce as I think marriage is great if you are with the right person, but if you are only living part of who you are, how can you ever be happy? You need to be true to your entire self. Good luck to all of you with your lives and I hope this helps some of you looking for answers.
With Love, Cara