When Things Get Touchy In Your Marriage

No marriage is perfect.

We all hear these stories about those who met, fell in love and stayed married 60 years, had a bunch of kids and grandkids and died together.

That’s the ideal for so many of us. That’s not reality for so many of us.

There are blended families, unconventional marriages, all kinds of relationships out there.

Bisexual married women have issues heterosexual women don’t have BUT our marriages are the same as any other, they require love and attention.

What about when things get touchy in your marriage?

What do  you do then?

How do you work on a marriage when an impasse has been reached?

Say for instance you love women, he understands your desires and your sexuality but will not tolerate sex outside of your marriage.

You push, he pushes, no one budges.

The impasse has been reached and there’s no guide book on how to proceed.

Do you sacrifice what will make you happy to maintain your marriage?

Do you sacrifice your marriage for what you believe will make you happy?

What about a time when all you wanted was your marriage?

Can you see tomorrow not being married?

I sure can’t.

The very thought makes my heart heavy and eyes water with tears.

Then again, I can.

I remember single life and I was pretty okay with it.

The one thing I remember the most was being so lonely and wanting the love I saw in couples all around me.

Sometimes after few years of marriage that love from the early years, those intense feelings we had when falling in love seem to fade.

In some marriages those feelings from the early days only get stronger over the years.

Sometimes people change over time.

Sometimes the two people who fell in love with each other aren’t the same two people who fell in love with each other anymore.

Life can be confusing, sharing life with someone can be even more confusing.

Marriage is not easy and though there are tons of books out there on how to simplify and navigate marriage, you and your spouse are unique individuals and your marriage is unique.

Your marriage is unique in it’s joys and pains.

There is no book written specifically for your marriage.

When things get touchy in a relationship I find repetitive introspection and self evaluation before action of any sort works best for me.

I am a chess player and I know how to ‘see’ a board.

I ponder each strategic move on my part and the part of my opponent which allows me to determine my next move strategically when playing.

Through three marriages and enough relationships to last several lifetimes I’ve learned how to live strategically within relationships.

I ask myself what makes sense and doesn’t make sense. On my part first, then the part of my partner.

I also ask myself what part am I playing in my relationship issues.

Always I look toward self first. Not self depreciating in the least but rather honest self evaluation.

When things get touchy I don’t react if I can help it.

I think.

I think hard with my mind and don’t let my heart guide my first reaction to situations more often than not.

Using logic over emotion I work hard to keep my relationships healthy.

I am an emotional female and I know what life is like when I live by emotions.

It can be chaotic to say the least, lol.

When things get touchy I think before I act and that’s what works for me.

Thinking before I speak used to be a challenge for me. Some things I just can’t let slide but more often than not I just bite my tongue and ponder.

I’m no relationship guru but I’ve been through enough relationships to know what works for me and what doesn’t.

I also know how to choose my battles wisely and though sometimes I can be a slave to my emotions I work hard to control that aspect of my being for the sake of my own happiness and the happiness of my spouse.

Things will inevitably get touchy in relationships, it’s all about how we deal with it.

-Jay Dee, Founder

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4 thoughts on “When Things Get Touchy In Your Marriage

  1. I liked this and it poses some interesting questions for any bisexual who’s married: Which is more important, adhering to the rules of the institution of marriage or the development and smooth running of the relationship you’re having with your spouse? When we run into that impasse you mentioned – and who among us hasn’t run into it at some point? – most people tend to lean more toward sticking to the institutional rules more than thinking what would make their partner happy – and something they vowed before God to do. It reminds me of something my mother told me when I announced I was getting married (other than asking me if I knew what I was doing): Your marriage is only going to be as good as the two of you can make it.

    And she was right; we learned that if we wanted to make our marriage as good as it could be, some rules had to be set aside or even outright broken because our marriage was about us and our lives together and not those archaic rules that mandate what we’re supposed to do that’s deemed all right and moral. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if my bisexual wife is happier when she can get some pussy – and that happiness gets spread to me and our family, okay, go get it, girl because you make everyone’s life miserable when you’re unhappy in this.

    But to be able to do stuff like this, you have to be able to communicate with a purpose; you have to be open and willing to compromise and you have to think about what is better for us in this relationship than what would be better for the relationship itself (I think I said that right – it sounded better in my head). It ain’t really about cheating or negotiated infidelity – it’s simply about doing what’s best for your spouse’s happiness and what will allow the marriage to thrive, grow, and last. Even in marriage, if you refuse to change, you’re gonna get left in the dust; if you shift personal growth to the side in favor of the mandated rules, stagnation sets in which, at least in my opinion, is worse than having a relationship die. If you spend more time thinking “me” than “us,” you’re screwed and if you think that yourself or the person you’re married to isn’t really going to change, prepare for a very rude awakening and I hope like hell you have what it takes to deal with this because if you don’t, well, I feel sorry for ya.

    But we know what usually happens to bisexuals in this situation: We wind up dealing with such impasses by taking our request off the table and doing without that which would make us happy; we “rationalize” that marriage means sacrifice and that we’re expected and required and demanded to give up things that we need to make us a more complete person and, in turn, a better wife or husband and parent. But when we have to give up such an important part of ourselves, you gotta know that in the long run (or even in the short term) it’s not going to be a good thing because this can make a person bitter and resentful and, yeah, can make someone say, “If you’re not gonna provide for my needs like you promised to, I have no choice but to take matters into my own hands…” – and you know what’ll happen if this route is taken… and it’s rarely a good thing.

    If you love someone, there shouldn’t be too many things you won’t or can’t do for them to insure their happiness and your own… but the rules of marriage and monogamy say otherwise, don’t they? Even if monogamy is working, one of the goals should be to work at eliminating any or all roadblocks that might appear and, as you said with chess, you gotta be able to see the whole board, to see the end of the game before the first move is made. It’s not that impasses occur – it’s what you do to make them go away and, at least in my opinion and experience, you don’t make them go away by ignoring them or invoking rules that aren’t designed to deal with impasses. When you do this, you foment unhappiness and stagnation; love will die… and then you will find yourself all by yourself and, all after the fact, wondering how things went wrong and failed.

    Sorry to preach but your writing struck a nerve…

  2. I asked my husband if I could have a girlfriend. The first few times I didn’t get an answer. I asked again recently. His face turned bright red, and he flat out said no. He wasn’t going to share with anyone else. I made a vow 21 years ago, and I have to stand by that. But I am not the same person I was then. It’s a Catch 22 situation.

    1. Ellen, that’s really hard. I was in the same position not too long ago. I had to decide that if things never developed the way I wanted them to that I would be ok with that and remain married to my husband. I knew that I love him above anyone else, so that gave me my answer. Things did end up going the way I wanted them to, but it felt good that it wanted out of some ultimatum.

      1. That’s inspirational to others Meredith. Really. I thank you so much for sharing your strength with us all. Hopefully your words can help shift someone’s perception who’s going through the same thing as you. Love it!
        -Jay Dee, Founder

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