Wanderings, Ponderings & Religious Reflection

Another day of whiplash. With temps with a feel of the upper 90’s women were out enjoying the sun in full force. I rarely go out into the sun, not by choice at all. My body is on a night schedule I just can’t seem to beat. I rise some mornings around 9am and I’m consumed with day work. Responsibilities that consume me until the close of the business day.

Then the sun is gone. It’s time to go to school and work. The next leg of my day has begun. My night life is pretty solitary without much exposure to other women. I don’t physically see as many women as I would like due to the fact I’m always consumed somewhere doing something…usually indoors.

Well, as of late I’ve been getting out in the day. I’ve been stealing my days. Cutting my night work hours down to 4am, rising at 9am and seizing the day. Sure, it’s irresponsible but it’s the end of the summer and I work for me. I can’t afford days off sometimes but hey, I gotta take ’em. I’m getting half the recommended daily value of sleep but I have to if I’m going to ever see the sun or interact with humans I’ve got to wake up during the day. To pay our bills we do the creative work at night to build our businesses during the day. Thus very little sleep, very little free time during the day. Creatives have it so much harder sometimes, lol.

Anyway, another day of the city’s prettiest women took place in my Universe.

The sun was high and shining down upon my city.

I was in my element, a sun child just weeks post my birth month.

Radiant. Glowing. Content, comfortable & balanced energy emitted so strongly they noticed.

Gorgeous women, also glowing with beautiful energy, flowing printed fabrics and smiles shared summer breezes with me.

Aroma of urbana rose in the summer air as we noticed each other’s beauty briefly.

Her light stunning I as her eyes stunned by mine.

Fire.

Over and over and over again. It didn’t stop. It’s as if my energy was pulling them toward me.

Block after block, street after street these gorgeous women noticed me, I noticed them.

I could have walked right past Her because….

Because….

I don’t know why? I’m not sure if this is all a devils trick this whole bi thing. Yes, I went there. Again. This is real for me as a person because I am God’s creation. I know and love him. I have experienced his love and mercy beyond measure. It’s through his love and mercy I am blessed in life I believe.

I am well learned in religions through years of study and research. I can’t just forget about it.

I naturally love women as I love men. Equally. Always have since my first recognition of my own sexuality. I didn’t know I was ‘bad’ until I came out when I was 11. I was teased, girls in school avoided me, they didn’t want to go into the bathroom or locker room they wanted to fight me if I came to close to them. They thought I was nasty. I didn’t tell people but when I was crushing on a girl as a preteen it would be hard to hide. 

When I went to church they preached the story of Lot yelling of fire and brimstones and his wife turning to a pillar of salt.

My ex husband used to tell me I was her. I was her totally because she loved the homosexual tendencies of the town they were in and he being a righteous man was trying to save me. But I’m not able to be saved.

I cried and cried and cried most of my life torn asking God why do I love Him so much if He hates me so much and why did He make me this way? Did He make me just to hate me?  I was told by my ex-husband this is my test in life.

Overcoming my sexuality. My test is to refrain from my so called un-natural desires and enter paradise as long as I remain a righteous woman, practice and serve God through life. Which I love to do.

If not, two words. Hell fire.

What the Hell!? So, pretend I’m not bisexual and go to heaven? I’m still bisexual even if I don’t have sex with women!!!

I would sin within my thoughts naturally-even more so because I can’t have ’em!!! I’ve so been there. Lustful thoughts consume me.

I feel for women the same way men do, primal, deep attraction in every sense. I even thought/think/feel like maybe I was meant to be born a boy and something went wrong in there somewhere. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, he makes funnies. A gorgeous woman who feels like a man on the inside. Ha!

After years of suffering because of what the community said I broke away from my religious life and isolated and continue to observe outside of the community. Over time I stopped observing so I could experience life freely.

At present I believe I’m having spiritual awakenings and it’s time for me to look at this again. God calls I listen. I’m okay with who I am. Is that okay?

I know exactly what I like sexually and they are not ‘halal’ in the least. I have yet to see anything in a Torah, Bible or Quran which specifies woman lying with woman. I don’t take that the usage of the term ‘man’ refers to all humans. God was pretty specific everywhere else in the books. I’m sure he could have specified ‘wo-man’ if he wants. He specified all other guidelines for us.

I have no idea if I’m right or wrong and I’m muddling through this confusing thing called life just like you guys are…

That’s why I created BiWifeLife and The BiWives Club

-Jay Dee, Founder

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